Thursday, April 9, 2015

Life With/Life Without: Bipolar

I would like to begin this week's edition with a sincere apology that this is a day late. Holidays have always thrown me for a loop, and with the little four legged house guest, things have been a bit hectic.

Bipolar... when they first started knocking that around as a possible diagnosis, I was scared. I didn't really know what was worse, that, or the diagnosis of Borderline Personality which was also being batted about. I don't know how many different therapists and psychiatrists I saw in total while I was avoiding my label. I was a doctor hopper in that regard. The only thing anyone nailed down was a long ignored case of ADD, which looking back explained a LOT.

When I moved to Texas, I eventually got sick and tired of all it. The being able to stay awake for days at a time, the obsessive thoughts, feelings of grandeur and simultaneous inadequacy and on the other hand, the paralyzing depression, borderline agoraphobia, and everything else that accompanied my lows. The worst was the mixes. Feeling hyper and cocky while being depressed at the same time is hell on earth.

In Killeen, I finally got my official diagnosis. I actually answered every question on the questionnaires and tests honestly. I hid nothing. The diagnosis came down, and I started going to a support group and taking my medication. I found out I was pregnant with Ryli before my third appointment, and went off everything. I returned to Kerrville and X was not a fan of medication.

The next few years, I somehow remained blind to the fact that I was still going through the hell of a gigantic mixed episode. I occasionally went back on medication, but X was always there to complain about how different the prescriptions made me. He would take them away or not let me go back for my refill.

The break up happened, and I soon realized that I was so depressed that I had no backbone. When I started to "come out of it" and the backbone would start to return, X would pitch a fit. If I am without my backbone, I am far easier to manipulate and flat out lie to. 

I am still medicated, and things keep getting better. I was off for a time when I had to cancel an appointment and then wait to be rescheduled. Things started to go sideways. I finally got rescheduled, and things started getting right on track again. The fact that I got back on my meds and stuck with them through everything is what I credit with a lot of the new start that Ryli, Landry, and I have been on since I finally made the break for good from X.